When heart, love, acceptance and real purity are not really being able to work towards the other, then wisest atitude to me right now is to defintly leave and let life and silence do its job.
My Guidance was always with me, always, before, during, after, shame that you dont believe and accept this test had a purpose for eveyone involved, not just me!? Shame that you dont recognize that you have profoundly humiliated me and made me feel like if garbage was what I meant to you. Its hard to not feel disgusted still with both of you, so sorry for such words, but thats what it is …
You know why I was also still there and try to keep in touch with you? Because even not knowing how to deal with this yet too, I tried my best to go through this pain alone and pretend Im strong enough not to show my weeknesses still. Theres not one single day I look back, and the more I keep conecting the pieces of this mental game and life story, that I dont breake my self into tears. There s not one single day since all this happend I dont have to struggle to find a great reason to keep myself alive. And all I keep reapeating and saying here is not to vitimise myself, Its because I had desperetly look for some caring action, word of recognition of facts, an apologie, even if there are no real blames, but something toucahble that could have make a differnce and that could have helped me feel integrated again, safe and trusted somehow, and bring back my faith that I ve somehow made a difference in your life, and that somwhow I have real value to you, and that somwhow maybe that value is worth your Love your Effort and your Kindness towarsd me.
If you can not understand my pain, if you can not understand your role on the play, if you can not understand it takes more then 1 person to live life and create pain and share and create Friendships and built trust and real relationships, then stay as you are and keep going your way. Dont keep talking to me too, because all you share with me is atm meaningless, vague comunications that i see as not to really care and move on without paying attention to what really needs attention. You just keep thinking about yourself and how all you do is correct! Well it isnt! Care, pay real attention, or let go, simple too! That type of superficial approach is still the same, cold and distanced, and instead of creating closeness, it only causes more pain and separation to me. And obviously Im doing the same! submiting myself to it and ignor my pain and my need of connection and recognition as someone that should hold value to you!
My Pain is Real, and canot go away without help suport and caring, since you both played the major part in it, not attacks, not R. (well, this one, stills unclear to me, unfortunatelly), not anyone else, you did, you! when will you get it to help it change? Never? How hard it is for you to give a caring word or soenthg similiar??? To act as a really fuckin freidn??? You want to go from A to Z without going through the fuckin rest of the alphabet? It seems so, yes, But not me! And not our Beloveds!!!
Im tired. Im very tired. Please, keep that kind of things, trully, just kept comunication cause thats just my fear of loosing touch with my dearest once life friends. I dont care about futile converastaions like that, I dont care about material, I dont care about information, I dont care about nice paintings and whatever shits you both share and do when in my deep self only thing I care about is whats Real. Love Suport and Friendship. 3 in 1! And so far I got no real prove of none, really! Or maybe we have complete different point of views of what that means! But Im also not asking you anything anymore … Its utterly useless … Look for how long have i complained??? Half year? lool … You are really very bad friends, fuck this shit, lol! But at least I clear this out and protect my heart_truth and my deep feelings by speaking in here … last time, but for the Love of Myself! Amen!
I know Ill have to keep going through this alone, still have the feeling you are too proud and selfish to embrace my reality, otherwise you would have shown your open heart and unconditional suport already right? But it really seems you cant, you cant, your too good for it, your too good for anything below your super power all knowing higher inteligence! And so instead you just do the oppsite, keep acting as if nothing ever happened … is if Im guilty of not understanding your past decisions, If Im guilty of not accepting them now, as if im guilty of all that happened … multiple traumas, thank you!
Look how bad you treated me when all happened … after … look how´ve you responded to me alwyas with so much cold agressive rulecy … you wanna know real shuning and abuse? You did it to me, with no heart no care no regret no anything. Sorry, but, you know, such trauma takes time really, specially when you experince such act coming from your loved ones, and without any support before and after! So what do you expect? That my Freindship and Heart are 100% fit in one day like nothing happened? Fuck if you think like that, it really says it all to me, indeed!
So Im done here for now, really not wish any contact with your side of reality for now or even maybe forever, cause not seeing this working well at all! So if one way is not working, then I have to let go, theres no way Ill get any true simpathy from you … any loving kind help support in shape or form … its not easy to deal with this for anyone i know, but you know, Ive always try to adapt my best, but to do that doesnt mean i also have to ignore my difficulties and disrespect mysefl to such degrading state. other way will come, after all is juts a business friendship type seems more to me now … but ok, I can do it myself, after all Ive been doing it myself, just I was not aware before, lol … thats why all this happened! To SEE IT! stay strong with your family ate leat, that trully only thing I keep wishing for you all to be safe secure and well. We see us, maybe at home, maybe on another mind level. Im in Peace with my Ascension.